The scary truth is… these days, seeing someone in class or in the hallway with scars on their arm is no longer a rare thing. Each individual that I see with self-harm scars hits my heart, because I know they must be struggling deeply inside. Everyone experiences struggles in different ways, and everyone acts upon them differently, and unfortunately many people (particularly youth) are turning to self-harm. Even though the issue is not as unknown as it used to be, there are way too many misconceptions and assumptions made, and so I hope maybe I can break a few of these for you.
This post is part a series I’m doing on myths around mental health. If you’d like to read others, check out this post.
PLEASE: Self-harm is NOT okay. If you or someone you know is suffering, letting a mature adult know and getting help is imperative.
Please note: I left many statements vague because I don’t want to trigger anyone who does self-harm, or “inspire” anyone to use self-harm as a strategy.
1) MYTH: Self-harm is nothing more than attention-seeking
TRUTH: Let me be clear here, self-harm may in some cases be used as a conscious OR non-conscious cry for help. Since those who self-harm are often struggling inside, this can be their way of externalizing it and making it a visible problem. However, whether or not people self-harm to let others know how they are feeling, they are doing so because of internal pain.
2) MYTH: Self-harm always means cutting
TRUTH: Self harming means intentionally hurting oneself. Though the usual image of this behaviour is lines across people’s wrists, there are other ways in which people harm themselves. I don’t want to give anyone “new ideas” of how to harm themselves, so I’ll keep this to a general statement: just because somebody doesn’t cut themselves in the “traditional” way, doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering with self-harm behaviours. Therefore, checking for scarred lines on someone’s wrist does not always answer the question of whether or not someone is resorting to self-harm.
3)Â MYTH: When people self harm, it means they are suicidal
TRUTH: Many, many of those who resort to self-harm are questioning their existence and possibly seeking a way out. That being said, assumptions shouldn’t be made. Many others may still aspire to live and keep going, but they “need” self-harm to persevere through the moment or to bring them a certain feeling. Although the topic is often seen as taboo, the best option in dealing with this is to ask, because no one likes assumptions being made about them. If somebody IS suicidal, IMMEDIATE attention is necessary.
4)Â MYTH: If someone continues to self-harm after receiving help, they must not want to get better
TRUTH: Recovery from self-harm isn’t as simple as being told it’s the wrong thing to do. Everyone that self harms has a purpose behind it, and if that purpose is still affecting them, then it can be very difficult for the outcome to be changed. Continued treatment does help, but it takes time. A common term in the recovery process is “relapse”. Sometimes things are more difficult, but for those struggling and those who know someone struggling, it’s important to know that a slip-up doesn’t mean a give-up.
5)Â MYTH:Â Self-harm is the biggest part of someone’s struggle
TRUTH: Generally speaking, behaviours don’t just happen. Behaviours are influence by a) thoughts and b) emotions, which are both also influenced by events. No one in a good mind state is going to take a blade to their arm. Self-harm is the surface of an iceberg, underneath which lies mental, social, and emotional struggles. Even though self-harm is not a healthy behaviour, people do it for a reason, and it’s that reason that is the root of the behaviour.
6)Â MYTH: People always try to keep their cuts (etc.) hidden
TRUTH: Long sleeves, hoodies, bracelets: many teens will go to extensive lengths to hide what they are doing to themselves. That being said, everyone’s experience is different, and so if someone isn’t carefully hiding their scars, that is NOT a reason to think they aren’t truly struggling. Such a behaviour could mean they are desperate for help, and that is NOT the same as simply wanting attention.
7) MYTH: If a friend or someone else close to you self-harms, it must be your fault
TRUTH: I’m not going to deny that social situations and family situations often contribute to a person’s inner struggle that could lead them to behaviours like self-harm. However, to make somebody feel the need to make themselves experience intense pain, you’d have to have really pushed them over the edge, i.e. actively bullying or belittling or betraying (etc.) the person. The most important part is that you try to be part of the solution, not the problem.
8)Â MYTH: Everyone who self-harms knows the detriment of their behaviour OR No one who self-harms knows the detriment of their behaviour
TRUTH: These polar opposites are similar in the fact that an assumption is being made about the behaviour of someone and their thought processes behind it. On the one hand, sometimes youth can see how common self-harm has become, and think it is a normal or acceptable thing to do. The truth is, whether it is the intention or not, these behaviours are life threatening and can have a lasting impact mentally, emotionally, and of course physically. On the other hand, it is sometimes thought that if people knew the truth about what they were doing, they wouldn’t do it. Well guess what? Many people who have been through therapy and have learned and learned and learned why they need to stop still continue. When intense underlying struggles lead to such a behaviour, the consequences of it might seem insignificant.
9)Â MYTH: The best way to help is to keep silent and obey your friend when they say “please don’t tell my parents/a counsellor”
TRUTH: When your friend is in the hospital or you’re at their funeral, you’re not going to be thankful that you kept their secret. Coming out about self-harm behaviours is difficult, because it means it’s going to be put into the spotlight and addressed. But guess what? Without that, things probably won’t just “work out” themselves. Recovery often means things getting really hard and really uncomfortable before things get better. I’d rather have a friend who temporarily hates me than a friend who is dead or permanently injured.
10) MYTH: If someone doesn’t self harm, their struggles must be less intense
TRUTH: This is a biggie, ok? As I’ve said, everyone’s experiences and struggles manifest in different ways. Self-harm (or being suicidal, for that matter) are not a sufficient measure of whether or not somebody is struggling. Some people hold it in, some people scream, some people run away, some people resort to disordered eating, some people exercise, some people journal, some people isolate. The point is, everyone’s struggle looks different, and somebody could be much deeper into their struggles and not self-harm, whereas somebody who just had a bad day and wants some “relief” could resort to self-harm. Some people seek self-harm to “help” them, others don’t. Neither situation can determine the extent of someone’s struggle. Again, just don’t make assumptions.
I used the following sites for reference, and I suggest you explore them too:
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS AT RISK TO THEMSELVES, PLEASE TAKE ACTION AND LET AN ADULT KNOW. A great option for help in the moment is Kids Help Phone or Calgary’s own ConnecTeen.
