The cynical tone of the essay is intended for a humorous effect; in no way does it reflect the author’s true interpretation on the topic.

If you are 80 pounds and under or here to have fun, you are the wrong kind of bouncer. Manning the giant inflatable catastrophe-makers is a taxing task and certainly not for children. A bouncer entails excelling physical aptitudes combined with proper, professional training in order to limit the amount of damage inflicted inevitably onto staff and public; hence with a note of utmost sternness, minimum wage and terrific bruises are at one’s discretion. Renting a bouncy castle is the biggest mistake any host or hostess could have made for their event; and with hope, they did not make the second biggest mistake of hiring an incompetent bouncer.

Safety is the chief concept an employer will expect drilled into their bouncers’ blockheads. Safety is the reason you are paid. The bouncer’s employee contract demands solely for the welfare of the public, and thus nothing else is of more importance. Nothing–not even your employer—needs to be an interference to your precise, critical making of decisions. Despite what your boss claims he know about safety, he knows nothing about safety. The inflatable trampolines will come with white-lettered guides etched onto their rubbery sides. These guides will be the bible you live by–not your employer’s words.

In short, here is the essence of the guidelines:

1. It takes a lot of paperwork for a child’s concussion, so it is necessary, for each and every adult in line with their children, to point at the white lines of texts and annunciate clearly, “the maximum load being one ton doesn’t mean an adult can jump on it.”
2. Every bouncer knows the maximum total weight isn’t the maximum weight per customer, so when without a weight meter, it is preferred that he refer to the “Child Capacity” instead, to avoid protests.
3. Recommended child capacity is not simply “recommended.” The little white number indicates the borderline between an impatient kid and an ambulance call.
4. Flips, somersaults and belly flops are fun to watch, and broken bones are funny looking.
5. Hair pins, necklaces, bowties, earrings, nose rings, belly rings, tongue piercings and most other aesthetics are banned. When in doubt, it is safest to have the child enter in her undies.
6. Funny smelling toddler means hours of wiping poop off the plastic walls.

Injuries are the last thing we want to encounter, but injuries are inevitable. Guaranteed, there will be an average of three crying kids per hour, and so, it is not a bad investment rehearsing first aid. Nevertheless, dealing with injuries is more problematic in the bouncy castles. Young, crying fledglings do not usually consent to a stranger comforting them, nor are they obedient when told to exit the castle. The role of the bouncer here is to shake off his shoes, dive in, and swiftly escort them out to their parents. *Proper escort formality can be referenced from illustrations in Disney fairy tales: it is not the scene where Prince Charming receives the princess from the chariot, but rather, of when the princess loses consciousness and a fire breathing dragon is after them.*Once outside, the wailing and sobbing will act as a perk and speedily attract the child’s parents or guardians.

Sometimes in the worst cases, the parents will already be at the entrance, and are more than eager to substitute you for your job. *That assertive trait you promised your employer during your interview will need to come to place at this instance.* As a bouncer, you will need to outright reject the anxious (obnoxious) adults, and go about your rescue mission. It is after the kid comes out then you reinstate to the parents that adults besides staff are not allowed onto the inflatables. In most cases, the mom will be preoccupied with their winded babe, and the dad will be glaring at you with crossed arms. With sincerity, you will reiterate to him that letting any adults in will only complicate the matter more, and that it becomes difficult persuading the other adults in-line against doing the same. Your level of politeness afterwards will correspond with the size of the dad’s biceps.

Crying kids upset the adults, and upset adults upset the event. Whether it is a celebratory festival or a community party, the employer will not be pleased with any customer complaints. What creates distraught parents second to injuries is not letting their child stay long enough in the inflatables. Timing is a delicate concept. Letting kids stay in too short irritates their parents. Letting kids stay in too long makes the other parents complain about unequal treatment. Combined with cases of injuries, time will indefinitely be neglected during the process of explaining, and the next in-lines will protest indefinitely about the previous batch having too much fun. A timer is recommended to resolve the issue. Watches are second to an alarm app on your phone as the latter can alert you about the change especially during an intense talk-with-the-dad. The interval of play-time should be set accordingly to the length of the waiting line: the longer the line, the longer the playtime. The logic behind this is not flawed. For instance, if a family spent two minutes waiting in line, they ought to settle for a two-minute play-time without dispute. On the other hand, if a family spent an entire afternoon waiting in line, they would have your head once they learn that the time limit is anything less than five minutes.

Once the time limit is up, the real bouncing occurs. You as a bouncer are tasked to have the entire crew exit swiftly and safely. Shockingly, not all children are happy to leave after a two minute frolic. Some cling to the posts; some hide in the corners; some just do not give a bother and continue prancing around like there is not an exasperated teenager at the entrance straining his voice for them to come out. Vocal announcements work for 70 per cent of the kids. Having the parents call on their children works for 20 per cent. As for the last 10 per cent of the little monsters, a bouncer is in need to shake off his shoes, dive in, and escort it out. *The formality of the escort in this occasion will resemble an angry farmer chasing the crows with his broomstick* Again amazingly, 90 per cent of the day’s worth of crying-kids-count credits to bouncing the children out.

If the bouncy castle is solely a slide, then the whole time scheme and positioning has to be revised. The length of the waiting line becomes the indication for the number of times a child can travel down the slide. Now obligatory, two instead of one bouncer are required at the inflatable at all times. A bouncer will be stationed at the top of the slide to ‘encourage’ the reluctant few, and a bouncer will be readied to escort the inept climbers up the ladder. Injuries and exits are slightly easier to handle as the child will conveniently slide down and out of the castle. Nevertheless, the injuries frequent to be more severe and the veins pulse more visible on the parent’s forehead.

Bouncing is most difficult when the castle is scheduled to be taken down, and it is particularly taxing explaining to the next family in line that they will not be able to play on the castle. Needless to say, relenting to the pleads of those kids will only get the next family’s hopes (indignation) up in vain. It is exceedingly advised to have your supervisor and/or two other bouncers present in this difficult time of the day. No advice can be given for a solo take-down.

Giant inflatable bouncy castles are the biggest mistake any festival can have. An inept bouncer only increases the amount of damage it will induce. Once more—I reiterate—if you are deficient in physical aptitude, wanting in proper, professional training, and expecting fun, you are the wrong kind of bouncer. Exercise your discretion and let a veteran take your place.