“Honestly, I’m ok, I’m happy with being the reason why someone is changing their life. Like if I can get people off of drugs, like if I can inspire them, that’s good for me; that’s what I want. I’ve always wanted to motivate people and help those who are going through the life situations I’ve also personally dealt with, because when I was in their position, I had no one to hold my hand and tell me it’s ok. So, if I can do that for someone it would make my day.” -Vanessa
Words cannot describe how grateful I am to have met someone like Vanessa in my life. She’s just so full of life, beautiful, spontaneous, and we’re really similar, to the point that it seems that we’re living parallel lives. The magnitude of what we’ve been through, regarding anxiety, depression, toxic relationships and everything in between, is the very thing that connected us in the first place. At our age, we’ve definitely had our fair share when it comes to challenges.
After a year of not seeing each other, we decided to meet up at a local Starbucks. And I’m so glad we did. I’ve always wanted to catch up with her because she’s one of those people who’s really made a big impact on my life.
Flashback to last year’s rugby season: Vanessa was struggling with social anxiety and I was one of the few people she opened up to. I, myself, was struggling with anxiety so I deeply related to her. She couldn’t continue on playing rugby because she would get chronic anxiety just from the thought of playing. Seeing her cry really made me sad. How can someone with so much potential and positive outlook on life suffer from this? It just really didn’t fully make sense to me at the time.
How was social anxiety a part of your life?
“With social anxiety, I always knew I had it, you know? As a kid I would be scared to talk to the server and constantly nudged my mom to do it for me. Sometimes when in a big group, I would be scared of speaking up.”
What do you think triggered it most of the time?
“What triggered it is really irrational fears. You know, even when I’m just like 30 seconds or 1 minute late from class, I can’t, I just can’t get through that door, so I end up missing and skipping so many classes because of the anxiety I’m getting. Which is really stupid because I would miss 90 min. classes because of a fear that I just couldn’t understand.”
How did you help yourself get through this?
“Ok, the important thing to know is no matter how scared you are, you have to face it to be able to get through it, especially when it comes to anxiety. After a while, I was just done, I didn’t want anything to hold my life back anymore so even if I was, say, 2 minutes late for class, I would still force myself to go. I usually just dive in to it, but if you’re the type that likes to take baby steps, then do that. Just remember, everything is progress.”
Vanessa’s is also a very proactive and experimental human being. Another trait we share in common. She’s built this life that’s centered on travelling and trying new things. She admits that she’s been active on the drug scene – unfortunately, sometimes things got out of hand and the consequences really took a toll on her life.
Do you regret anything that you’ve done?
“No, definitely not. I’ve made decisions I’m not proud of but I don’t let it define me. I know that that wasn’t me. You know, I’m still working really hard to become the person I want to be and hopefully help other people in the future that went to the same things I did.”
I’m pretty sure that you’ve already helped a lot of people. Can you recall anyone you’ve helped recently?
“Yeah, definitely. I used to have a very close best friend, we were like family. Unfortunately, she’s not in my life anymore. At the time, she was the type of person who always wanted to go out and have a good time. I got her off drugs and everything. One day I told her that I just wanted to ‘live reality’ and not just escape all the time. One big thing I did for her was I bought her a ticket to Cuba. We had such an amazing time, but you know, that’s that. Her mom also told me that ever since I came to her life she started doing good and actually kept a job for a long time.”
How come she’s not in your life anymore?
“The bottom line is that our friendship just became really toxic. There were many times that she enhanced my depression because she kept lying to me and treating me so badly. I gave her so many chances and forgave her so many times but it really wasn’t working out anymore.”
When do you know when it’s time to end a relationship?
“When you want something, you fight for it because you want resolve. You know it’s time to end it when you have no more fight left in you, you know. You have to keep yourself in priority and do what’s best for you. There are so many times that I would miss her, but that’s just not enough to go back.”
How are you doing now?
“I’m doing great, I mean I still have to deal with stuff, but yeah. Right now, I’m upgrading. I came back to school and with 2 weeks left, so I had to catch up on a LOT. It was a big commitment and I’m just so proud of myself for having the courage to do it. For the 1st week I had to do 4 unit exams, 3 assignments, 3 projects, 3 quizzes and 2 essays. For the 2nd week, I did 8 exams, 1 essay and 1 diploma. I mean these are exact numbers; it was crazy. My true Asian potential really shined. My grades are like 20% higher that last year’s. Hahaha. I mean I was never really smart but I believe that you can change your life now. It’s not always easy but it’s definitely worth it. I’m just happy right now because I feel like myself again after all that happened.”
What are your future plans?
“Well, I’m going to apply for Biology at U of C. And I might go to Europe because I already bought the ticket, but I don’t know if I should go anymore because I was suppose to go with my ex-bestfriend and 2 other girls. I also want to be a motivational speaker as a sideline in the future because somehow I can see myself getting up on that stage and speaking to people.”
This is Vanessa’s 1st tattoo that she got recently. It’s the word “strength” with a heartbeat graph attached at the beginning. I really LOVE this tattoo. She said that it represents everything she’s been through and the fact that she’s pulled through despite of everything.
“Check me out, I’m still here.” -Vanessa