The True Seven Wonders of Canada

In 2007, Canada came together as a nation to decide on its seven wonders. The Seven Wonders of Canada was an official competition sponsored by CBC to determine what Canada had to offer. In the end, the list was finalized with public online voting followed by a judging panel of three to pick the decisive seven. The tallies are as follows:

1. Niagara Falls – 81,818
2. The Rockies – 55,630
3. Old Quebec – 20,880
4. The Canoe – 17,470
5. Prairie Skies – 14,836
6. Pier 21 – 11,225
7. The Igloo – 11,082

Cheers to Canada, it’s great to know our nation cares! However, I have every reason to believe that this list was a complete joke. I do not, under any circumstance, believe that this is the best Canada has to offer! I have taken the liberty to thoroughly and meticulously derive my own Seven Wonders for Canada, and without a doubt, it’s flawless.

7. Justin Bieber

I have no shame in admitting that Justin Bieber should be on this list. Without him, we’d lose a lot of revenue from coloured posters and life-sized cut outs sales. I kid you not, that department had been a weak point for Canada before Bieber came along. So the next time you see a life-sized cut out of any celebrity in the middle of your local supermarket, just pay a little bit of respect to the pint-sized teen sensation, for he was the one who brought cardboard back.

6. The Inukshuk

You have to give it up for our Inuits. Their innovation surpasses even those of the great men of the Renaissance.  Sure, da Vinci is legendary with his sciences; what regular people saw as a bunch of sticks and some fabric, he saw as a flying machine. But the Inuits were beyond extraordinary when it came to such perspectives; what regular people saw as a bunch of rocks, they saw as human statues. The physical sciences of building an Inukshuk is truly amazing, and the physical labour of building one was surely backbreaking, but the end result were hundreds of unique statues that all act as landmarks.

5. Canada’s Soccer Teams

Canada’s too good at hockey; our team doesn’t fit on the Seven Wonders list because they belong on the Canada’s Seven Legends list. That said, we do have other sports that you just can’t leave out. For instance, our soccer teams are ultimately the best underdogs in the world. Our men’s team is looking good for the 2014 FIFA World Cup, being favourites in their group, and our women’s team is just fantastic, appearing (yet not winning) in five FIFA Women’s World Cup tournaments! They also appeared at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics! The men’s team is in action soon, trying to qualify for 2014. Be on the lookout for our stars, I can’t name any on the top of my head, but I would imagine our best player would be named Sidney Soccerosby.

4. Poutine

You can not list Canada’s wonders and fail to mention poutine. Golden crispy fries, scrumptious cheese curds melted by a delectable gravy; the perfect trio. Discovering the many different layers of poutine never gets old. The flavours and textures combine to put poutines on top of the fast food chain. The King of the Grease Jungle would be fitting, or the Prime Filler of Canadian Stomachs – that works too.

3. Don Cherry’s Suits

Hockey Night in Canada’s own legend Don Cherry isn’t just known for his critique and comments on the game, he’s also known for his flamboyant wardrobe. No one on the face of this earth pulls it off better than Cherry can. He probably has hundreds upon hundreds of unusually tailored suits, and each and every single one screams “Don Cherry” when you see it. He’s created a trademark for himself and transformed himself to a colourful icon for Canada.

2. EpicMealTime

These Canadian Internet sensations took over YouTube with an explosive entrance. Creating monstrous meals, these guys combine anything and everything with everyone’s favourite: bacon. They’ve single-handedly inspired many others to attempt to create their own bacon-infused masterpieces, but EpicMealTime always comes out on top, unrivalled. I don’t have to right words to describe them, for anything I say would be inferior to the level of epic they bring each Tuesday on YouTube.

1. Jack Layton’s Moustache

Here we are at the conclusion of Canada’s True Seven Wonders. This wasn’t even up for debate, Jack Layton‘s moustache is superior to all else. The precision-trimmed follicles of Layton’s prized possession surely compensates for the lack of hair on the top of his head. Anyone that sees the moustache instantly knows that Layton means business. It both intimidates and hypnotises with even the quickest glance.  A modern day Medusa of greatness, if you will.  For the Leader of the Official Opposition, Layton’s moustache is his most powerful weapon.  For Canada, Layton’s moustache is our greatest wonder.

There you have it, the true Seven Wonders of Canada.  May we pay them our total respect and may you read this article and recognise that it has been an satire.