I sometimes call my Grade 12 year the year of applications, and I’m only half joking. From September to now, this year has been a whirlwind of essays and deadlines looming ahead, many of them for scholarships. With all these applications, it seemed certain that I would get a scholarship, right? Wrong. From polite rejection letters to flat out silence, each rejection had me wondering, where did I go wrong? I was academically strong, and I had many extracurricular activities and strong reference letters. So, what then was the problem?

Where did I go wrong?

At the beginning, I was filled with hope, but as each opportunity failed to manifest, I found myself sinking into despair. But after the despair came self-doubt. My self-confidence plummeted; I got discouraged, and I just didn’t see the point in applying to any other scholarships anymore. To make it even worse, all around me, there were smart, talented individuals who were constantly applying for and gaining these same awards I had applied to. What were they doing differently?

What were they doing differently?

No matter in what context, rejection stings. It serves as a reminder that you weren’t good enough, and that is something nobody wants to be told. Recently, however, I took a good look at the motives behind my disappointment and low self-confidence, and what I realized was that this lack of self-confidence stemmed from a reason deeper than simply not receiving awards. I understood that at some point along the way, I had begun to equate my self-worth with these awards. If I received an award, it would serve as validation and prove that I had the ability to achieve these prestigious awards. I recognized that it was natural to be upset about the rejections, but my ability to succeed would depend on my ability to bounce back, and keep trying. Why was I allowing a selection committee halfway across the country to determine how I felt about myself? Why was I depending on their results for validation?

Why was I allowing a selection committee halfway across the country to determine how I felt about myself?

Ultimately, nobody was putting pressure on me to receive an award, or telling me I wasn’t good enough. That was all me, and it came from inside my head. Unconsciously, I was hurting myself in my desire to be perfect. Sometimes, you truly are your own worst enemy.

I was hurting myself in my desire to be perfect

To all the overachievers, the perfectionists, the worriers, and those who stress about every last thing: it’ll be alright. You may not achieve everything you want to, and that’s okay. What matters most is the effort you put into your activities, and your ability to persevere.

I may not (yet) be an award-winning student, and I may not have received a full scholarship to the university of my choice, but I am an intelligent, hardworking person, and I will keep trying. I will celebrate each small success because the sting of rejection makes them all the sweeter.  I will be my own biggest cheerleader, and you should be too.