A novel idea!!!
*Disclaimer: This article is just for laughs as it is a satirical piece on how “wonderful” our book society has become.*
Heylo folks! So, now that we, the world, are slowly coming out of a recession, youth are going into a new society of people, if the reader wills it, where anything may or may not go. As vague as that comment may be, just look at how our shows, music, literature and retail are keeping up. It can’t be that hard to make up a couple million bucks, could it?
Anyways, I’ll get to the first way of making money. Books. Publishing has never been harder these days, where publishers are trying to find that one iconic book (i.e. // The Serial Book Series, such as Twilight and Harry Potter). One genre that doesn’t have any trouble publishing is the new memoir genre that has become so popular in the past few years.
Most would think, we’ve had enough of memoirs, get on with it! Nope. Memoirs are at an all time peak, especially if they have things to do with drugs, alcohol, sex, and a poor child who had a messed-up childhood. Or, maybe even a doctor’s or parent’s point of view of how sobriety and rehabilitation is going. Authors and novelist, such as say Nic Sheff and James Frey (respectively) are going in depth of how messed up they are getting and how they’re treatment has been going. So, here are a few “easy steps” on how to make a New York Times bestseller!
Step 1: Get wasted / drunk in a partying horror that you may think you will never get out of. This will be like the introduction to your memoir of how a struggling teen eventually manages to get out of that situation.
Step 2: Now, this may seem a bit hard to do but, do this for five years. Ignore any help from friends and family, saying that you can get off the substances that you are currently on. This makes the reader sorry for and will be a constant page turner.
Step 3: The hardest step of all is to recover right before you die. Note that you have seen the error of your ways as “the drug addict who will do anything at all just for ‘another shot of (Name chemical substance here)’.” This will make the reader happier as he/she will see how much the main character has changed.
Step 4: So now, after you’ve gone to numerous twelve step meetings, gone to “name substance here” anonymous meetings and such, you will start writing your memoir. This should not be too hard as the writer will recollect of what has happened for those past five years and all your troubles. Also, when coming out with it, always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS have an epilogue. The reader will be dying to find out what had happened to the addict after some odd years.
Optional: Make the whole thing a lie. Sure, do some drugs, but don’t go into extremes like that. But, for the sake of money, hope they don’t find out it’s a complete lie on Oprah (Cough, cough, James Frey, cough, cough).
These are the four to five “easy steps” to becoming a famous author or at least get onto Oprah/Ellen. The point is to write more memoirs. The only things most book clubs and readers are interested in these days are of how many have come close to the brink of death. Or just writing about anything at all (but only if you are already famous).
Too scared of the binging and overdosing? That’s no problem at all. You can always try writing something everyone already knows about. But wait, the reader asks, why on earth would we want to buy a book that we already know how it’s going to end? Easy, we have fallen into some state of depression that we will buy anything that is the secret to life the universe and everything (The Law of Attractions, not 42)
Begin by saying that you, the writer, have come up with something so amazing that will knock you right off your socks. This will perk any ears or eyes towards your book. Then tell a little bit about what the book is about. People will scoff and say “yeah right!” But secretly, they are just trying to get more out of you so they won’t have to buy the book. So, keep running the same line over and over, that this “discovery,” will change the whole world and cure itself of its depression!
One other way to make money is of the teen genre. In other words, vampires, fairies, killing each other, Yup, I said it, the cursed things that walk the earth and will not die for the next ten years. Make these books gushy with hundreds and hundreds of clichés. Heck, why not add in a couple of star crossed lovers while we’re at it. Wait, there’s more! Add a complicated word to every chapter to spice up the vocabulary. But hey, who said it has to be a real word? It could just made up and readers (mostly teens) will succumb to your writing style.
But, seriously folks, there are just way too many memoirs these days! It’s just too much! Whether it’s about a father’s compensation, doctor’s P.O.V., addict’s life story, whatever, it is just overflowing. What will future generations think of the books that we have written now, teen books and memoirs about drug addiction? We, as a generation, don’t have a single book that we can look back to and say “ah, now that’s a classic.” Granted, we do have some good books that have come in over the past few years like Happiness TM by Will Ferguson or Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen, but the fact that it seems like a constant stream of these books are getting published, anyone who goes to college and gets unlucky can write a book and get it published.
*Note from YouthAreAwesome.com: The views discussed above do not reflect the views of YouthAreAwesome.com or Child and Youth Friendly Calgary. YouthAreAwesome.com aims to give youth their own unique voice and the ability to discuss important topics that affect youth. Though this blog post can be considered controversial, it is not meant to offend anyone.*
