No one really teaches you what relationships are supposed to feel like. We all learn as we go through friendships, crushes, breakups, group chats. Wins, incredibly special moments and a plethora of very embarrassing moments. And somewhere in all of that, it gets easy to confuse being hurt with being close. Sometimes the people closest to us are the ones who make us feel the smallest.
Relationships that are unhealthy for us don’t always look dramatic. It’s not always, and not usually, yelling or obvious cruelty. Often, it’s quieter than that or even seemingly kindness that somehow still feels off. It’s in jokes that hit a little too hard, or make fun of something a little too personal. The way they roll their eyes, or go on their phone when you talk about something you care about. The way you hesitate before sharing good news, or even anything at all, because you’re afraid they’ll make you feel stupid or unimportant. Before you know it, you start shrinking without even noticing.
We’ll often think to tell ourselves we’re just being sensitive, or we’re reading into it too much. That they didn’t mean it like that. That everyone has flaws, and this is just something you have to put up with if you want to be close to someone. So you adjust. You talk less. You laugh things off. You become easier to handle. But healthy relationships, whether romantic or platonic, don’t require your genuine self to disappear to survive them. The people who care about you should make you feel happy to be yourself, not embarrassed for being who you are. They don’t have to agree with you all the time, but they should respect you. They shouldn’t constantly make you feel like you’re too much, too loud, too emotional, or not enough all at once.
A lot of us stay in unhealthy relationships because we’re afraid of being alone, or because we’ve invested so much time that leaving feels like a true waste. Some because we’ve been taught that love is supposed to hurt a little. That if it’s “not hard, it’s not real”. In reality, love and friendship can be challenging without being cruel. They can involve conflict without tearing you down. Someone can care about you and still mess up – but if hurting you becomes a pattern instead of an accident, that’s something different.
You don’t need a “good enough” reason to walk away. You don’t have to prove that someone is bad or toxic to justify leaving. Feeling small, or unable to exist as yourself is surely reason enough. We all deserve relationships where you’re allowed to take up space as yourself, not where you have to shrink to meet someone’s expectations or to not be ridiculed. Nobody in a healthy relationship is scared to speak. Nobody should be obligated to alter themselves to earn basic kindness from any other person, and it’s not selfish to think that.
Letting go of people who hurt you, especially when you care about them, can feel terrifying and crushing. But the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to stop accepting less than you deserve.
You shouldn’t feel smaller in the presence of someone who claims to love you!