Good-Bi to The Past: Discovering What it Means to be Bisexual

“People who are bisexual have to live with the knowledge that they could lose everyone they care about with just two words.”

My initial research into what it meant to identify as being bisexual held terrifying promises such as these. Words that I initially dismissed as untrue or perhaps an exaggeration. When I first came out to my boyfriend, he was justifiably shocked. We had both discussed for months about the seriousness of our relationship and how there was little room for the standard ‘overly-friendly friends’ and exes in efforts to form a strong trust and lasting relationship. Neither of us were looking for games and we struggled to use the right words to describe how this would effect us and to what degree.

Telling my family was the most difficult part and I was not surprised by the reaction I received. My parents have more conservative views of what a standard x + y relationship should look like. Part of that is founded in religion and part of that is cultural. They explained to me the fact that females just have a stronger emotional connection with all people and that the feelings I was feeling was nothing more than that. I nodded along, regretting my decision to inform them and biding my time until I could leave the room and awkwardness behind.

The trigger for me to realize this was almost like someone had hit the pause button on my life and allowed me to reevaluate all the previous friends I’d ever had and helped me to better understand the insecurity I had in relationships. I felt threatened by previous boyfriends’ friends due to my challenges in understanding what a platonic relationship was. Relationships were built on friendships so from what I understood, how could friends not be a threat? I worked hard to please others because I was so frightened they would leave me if they found someone better and could never relax.

And although this understanding of myself allows me to relax now, initially it was terrible. The only person I did not regret informing was my sister. Everyone else was shocked and felt bad for my boyfriend, wondering how he could be okay with the way I was. Some friends told me I was lesbian and while the term is not an insult, their denial of how I self-identified was hurtful. Others told me I was cheating on my boyfriend because I struggled to find a balance between him and my female friends and reforming appropriate lines in our committed relationship. At one point, to prove commitment I convinced him that I didn’t need friends and that he could decide which groups and circles we interacted with. I was afraid of who I realized I was and for a while unable to appreciate the good amidst the horrible comments. The worst comment I heard, however, was the accusation that the only reason I was dating a guy was because I was too scared to go against the grain. Too frightened to follow my ‘unconventional, confused and mixed up’ emotions.

But it changed as I began to see the strengths my attraction basis provided. I am going into nursing in the coming fall and the way my mind works allows me to care for others in a more intense way than is (apparently) normal. It also helped me better see the ‘human-ness’ in others, to see their flaws and their beauty in their effort. One of my challenges is high expectations of others that often detach me from who they really are and being bisexual allowed me to counter-balance a lot of my negative mindset.

People spoke to my boyfriend about how he felt about my infidelity, as being bisexual is often (although wrongfully) associated with cheating. He stood up for me and eventually my friends did too, knowing of the commitment I showed and the truthfulness and transparency to which I approached our cherished relationship.

So to conclude, were there many challenges that I might not have had to face if I stayed quiet? Yes.

But do I regret coming out? Not at all.

[Featured Image Source]