Note: This is a satire and I have been far too influenced by the Cracked staff (you find that you have a lot of time on your hands when you don’t have any student-related activities to do for weeks).
So, how have songs scarred children? I’m pretty sure as a child, you’ve never really questioned those mandatory assemblies where you have to sing carols and whatnot. But now that we’re older, a little more cynical, critical and sarcastic, I thought this post would bring the holidays to a very nice closing! And if you don’t think children songs could scar them, just read the translation for “Farajaka”! Anyway, these are the Christmas-y songs that (to me) would either scar children, or teach them terrible, terrible lessons for the season.
10. Frosty the Snowman
I know, you’re probably wondering what could possibly be wrong with a magical snowman who comes to life and make children happy. Well, everything really. Imagine you are a kid who finished building a snowman and then it comes to life. And after somehow accepting that creepy thought, you build a friendship with your creation, only to see it melt in front of your very own eyes!
I’m sure it was all good and fun when Frosty ran around the town, but if you were the townspeople, what would your reaction be? Freakin’ scared and terrified, I bet! This song is sugar coating that a snowman has come to life, and everyone’s okay with it. It’s like how everyone’s okay with a talking, walking dog in Family Guy–what kind of a world do we live in?! Seeing something moving that should actually be inanimate is almost as scary as Toy Story coming to life. Sure it’s all cute in a cartoon form, but really? REALLY?! Plus, this song encourages children to disobey the authorities when there’s a “good” reason for it. Like the fact that you’ll be dying in a short while, so you try to be as reckless as possible to live what life you have left! Yes the song encourages to live out your life as best as you can, but that doesn’t mean you’re invincible and suddenly above the law. Just sayin’.
Oh, and Frosty’s last words were “Don’t you cry, I’ll be back again someday”–wouldn’t the exact same thing happen? Frosty would melt again, so he would have to “live out his life” and terrorize… or frolick around town before he melts away and scars the children for their entire lives (imagine them at their grandparents’ funeral, thinking that they’re still alive because their body is in tact and not a puddle of water). Magic, ladies and gentlemen, teaches kids very mixed messages.
9. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Let’s go through this line by line. First, Grandma was walking home alone from her family’s house. I’m not sure how old your grandma is, but since it’s snowy and dangerous outside I would at least have the courtesy to drive my grandmother home! Secondly, this family apparently spikes their eggnog because Grandma is somewhat of an alcoholic and drank too much. She also forgot her medication (what kind of a family lets their grandparents walk home and leave their medication behind?) and was left alone until Christmas morning. When the family found her “at the scene of the attack,” they simply blamed Santa Clause. I think it was the family’s fault for leaving Grandma alone in the first place…
But that’s not it! They kind of write off Grandpa’s attitude as him “taking it so well” as he just drinks root beer and plays cards; that type of grieving might be just a charade behind true pain. But since this is a children’s song, they try to add as much rainbows and ponies to the story as possible. Or in this case, reindeer. Oh, and the song mentions that the family ponders over whether or not to open Grandma’s gifts. Really?! Is that what’s on their mind? And they also warned their neighbors about Clause, because apparently he is a dangerous man who cannot drive a sleigh “and plays with elves.” Scary. Just try to interpret those words and understand how terrible this song is!
Not only did Grandma’s family neglect her health and welfare, but they simply blamed Clause (and I guess Grandma’s state) and brushed off their own carelessness. That’s right kids, treat your grandmother like crap and blame solely one other person on a death that could have been easily prevented if not for carelessness!
8. Santa Clause is Coming to Town
This song basically describes what Santa does, so as a kid no one would really question the motives or intentions of the big guy. But I’m not a kid anymore, and what Santa does is pretty darn creepy to me, so you all need to know the truth! The biggest problem I have with Santa Clause is that it encourages children to be good… and mostly during Christmas time. The incentive? Gifts. The punishment? Coal. That’s just teaching kids to be materialistic, even if it’s all for good reason. If you really were a super good kid, what could Santa give you? Time with your family? I don’t think he could wrap that up and tie it with a bow…
So not only does he have questionable methods of finding out what you do when you’re sleeping, but how would kids be able to “watch out”? As the song starts out, if you’ve been bad for 364 days of the year and are suddenly good for just one of them, do you really deserve a gift? In reality, people would still think you’re a jerk face (such as Cartman from South Park) and would not give you a gift. Perhaps a pity gift so that they don’t seem like jerks…but nonetheless it’s not that easy to write off your wrongs. Especially since Clause is “checking [his list] twice”.
7. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
The song we all love and adore…oh, I mean the reindeer we all love and adore (Although Olive is awesome in my opinion). Not only does this song teach us a lesson that no one should make fun of someone that is different, it tells us that Santa can brighten up anyone’s day by making them expendable! The song lists out eight other reindeer, assuming we know all of these reindeer… but I don’t see a song written for them. This just enforces the averageness of us all; is there a song about you or I? Maybe not directly about us, but the likelihood of you being that specific Jenny or Roxanne are unlikely. What a mean song to us all average citizens (which is probably 95% of us). Whoever the song writer is, you just made me feel less significant about myself.
And I know this is fiction and all, but most satires have gotten this already: having a red nose is not a normal thing. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s just something to be freakin’ scared about! If I ever had a red nose, that would probably be due to a stuffy nose or allergies. However if it started to glow–well, I’m pretty sure a trip to the hospital would be my first trip, instead of flying in the air being a flashlight. Seriously, wouldn’t Santa plan ahead of time and foresee weather conditions? What if it was hailing or raining cats and dogs (remember, fantasy)? That would be painful for Santa, his reindeer and his presents.
Plus, have you ever really thought about how Santa got these reindeer? Did he just abduct them from our world (er, not magical North Pole land) and train them to be magical? If Santa’s like the one from Elf, I don’t even want to know his evil, evil ways.
6. I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas
This catchy song has probably got you wondering why I put this one here. Well if you haven’t figured out why, it’s because the song writer is really dumb. I’m serious! Have you ever seen a freakin’ hippo in real life? They’re gigantic beasts, and the little girl singing it is pretty darn selfish. Sure, she sounds cute and innocent and all… but don’t all children? It takes a lot of effort and resources to take care of a hippo too, so you animal rights activists, please join me on this: a lot of pets die because owners fail at understanding how to properly take care of them.
I don’t think a child can take care of a hippo. If a doll won’t do (the first step to taking care of… something. Don’t pull off Barbie’s head if you want to prove yourself to be responsible and not psychotic), then a hippo won’t do either. After like 60 seconds of getting it. You know kids; short attention span and constantly switching interests. And yes, she does sing “I’d feed him there and wash him there / And give him his massage”, but in a two-car garage. Please, I wouldn’t want to be caged up, especially in a stinky garage!
And the girl thinks that “it’s the easy thing to do” by bringing “him through the front door”. Like I said, hippos are gigantic. Chimneys are a pain to get down, but imagine pushing a vehicle through the door. “Hi honey, I got you a car so I drove it through a wall so it looks like I put presents under the tree…” No, just no.
So enjoy part 1 of the after-the-holidays sarcasm, and look out for part 2 tomorrow!