How accepting my personal development had a positive effect on my life.
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I’ve always found myself around effervescent individuals, which seemed strange to me for I’ve never been the type to be truly vivacious. I’ll admit it, I was that quiet art kid who was very attentive but never seemed to know what to say. People could count on me for not putting up much of a fuss and agreeing to nearly everything, but as time went on I just wasn’t satisfied with who I was. I started to feel confused and admittedly, a little lost. Change sounds so nonchalant, but to me it was alien and intimidating. The thought of evolving into someone different than what I was used to was nerve-wracking and foreign.
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If you’ve ever seen Freaks & Geeks, you’ll be familiar with Lindsay Weir. She is the main protagonist of the short lived (can you see my tears?) 90’s show. It’s never clearly explained why she ditches the mathletes to skip class and hang out with stoners but at one point, her brother Sam approaches her and asks “Why are you throwing your life away?” to which Lindsay pauses before explaining that she was alone with their Grandmother when she died. When asked if she saw “a light or anything” before she passed, her grandmother (who was the most decent and good person she knew) said no. And so maybe Lindsay figured if there was no reward, why waste her time doing good by her family? Why not try to have fun while she still can?
When I started to discover myself, I feared change. Because of my change of interests, I feared ridicule. The concept of whether or not my friends would ditch me for who I came to be was a constant topic on my mind, almost as common as what I should wear to school that day. I was convinced that if I was vocal about what I was thinking and feeling, they’d for sure leave me. I felt we were drifting, which left me feeling uncomfortable as I watched them laugh while I sat a few feet away being silent. And this was partly my fault. I should’ve been more vocal and engaged in the conversations but I didn’t. I guess part of changing is accepting yourself and eventually accepting the mistakes you made before, after and during that process. So here I am accepting responsibility for where I am. Do I regret it? No, because I believe every little detail (big or small) leads to who you become and I wouldn’t want to change who I am now.
Thinking of the person I used to be and realizing that that person is gone kinda scary and sad to me in a way. To me, it feels like I’ve lost someone. But if you focus on the bright side, it’s like you’ve met someone new, which is enticing and exciting in it’s own glorious way. With change, sometimes you lose people and it sucks seeing people in the hallways knowing that time has taken it’s course and you may never speak of the person you used to be. Through time and uncomfortable glances, it’s understood that you’ve changed and there’s no going back and you mind as well both accept it, but if you were as confused as I was, it’s important to realize that the past is the past and the future is bright and right in front of you and change is so important and don’t forget: normal.
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And so if you knew me before, you’d know me to be the quiet, bilingual kid who liked art and not much else. I can’t find many words to describe who I was. Maybe creative, or knowledge-seeking, but outside of that there isn’t much to who I was. If you know me now, I’ve grown up. I’m mature (as I’ve been told) and I’m interested in human rights, photography, and modern art. I don’t like to be cooped up inside whereas before hand I was content to stay home. I’m obsessed with poetry and I like to use nouns as adjectives. In 7th grade I dreamt of attending Emily Carr University of Art + Design but now I seek a life of excitement and lots of writing. I wanna travel the world, plaster my walls with photos of anything and everything; to inspire and be inspired. I used to fear change, but now I live it. Change is so so okay and important and I want everyone to eat, sleep and breathe this mantra. Some will shy away from change, but I challenge you to embrace it.
So in the end (spoiler alert!!) Lindsay did not return back to her old mathlete life, but nor did she fall into the life of a freak. She hops into a painted van to follow the Grateful Dead with a group of friends, most of whom she’s just met for the first time. You think you’ve got someone figured out but you truly never do, because we are all ever changing, and that’s something everyone needs to consider it. Lindsay was never concrete. She was exploring, which is exactly what our teens are for. Exploring. Join new clubs, make new friends, discover the things you like, try new things and most importantly, explore, explore, explore. Trying things out helps you learn what you like and what you don’t like. It lets you learn from mistakes and who knows, sometimes you find things that stick.
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I’m still nervous. I’ve changed and I still wonder what people think of me, but change was so good for me and I’m glad I’ve evolved into the person I am now. I’m stronger, more confident and happier, which is the most important thing that has come out of this. And so I hope if you’re questioning things, you embrace the changes that come your way. For so long I was nervous and wondering “why me?” but it was all for nothing. Change happens to everyone so all I can say is take it as it comes.