A cinematic cash cow
*Disclaimer: This article is completly satirical to show how in depth Hollywood movies have become for the out-going movie-goers.*
Last time, we learned how to make a New York Times bestseller. Now, it’s time to learn how to make a Hollywood blockbuster of the summer! Here are a few quick and easy steps to gaining your heart’s content in riches!
Tip 1: Boom, vroom, pow, and cha-ching! Explosians, car chases, violence, and money are any Michael Bay fanboy essentials. If your screenplay is horrible and you wish to keep everyone away from the talking, here’s your solution. Do it while in a car chase scene, a shoot out, or just going through explosians. Audience members will brush it off as action movie
Tip2: Oscars and Golden Globes on your top priority? Not a problem! Just add a whole whack load of stuff that seems touchy, but really isn’t, and should be brought forward (That last sentance was not satirical, but true). For example, (and these are with the utmost sincerity) maybe one’s preference towards certain genders, giving life or taking it away, or even something as sad as a custody battle. This is bound to bring in an Oscar winning performance somehow. It usually does.
Tip 3: Not planning to direct a film? Now, just become an awkward teen and enter the casting offices. You will be swallowed up by the talent agents looking for their next big thing. Typecasting is what happened to Mark Hamill, it’ll work for McLavin too! What was his name? No one really remembers. Ah, the luck of the typecast. Just look at Michael Cera, he turned out pretty well. I mean, I can’t remember the title of the movie, but I remember Cera playing a really quiet, awkward, teenage boy having trouble with girls. Can you remember which ONE it was?
Tip 4: Finally, for a small investment, make your own original motion picture soundtrack. Playing it throughout your blockbuster is bound to get some ears perked at how clever and rhythmic your song is. This will lead to sales of your soundtrack at a soaring rate on iTunes and in HMV-like places. Or, at least until someone torrents it on the internet (ie// about a day).
So, to sum it all up in a bounded little nutshell, explosions, car chases, typecasting to the extremes, touchy subjects, and an original motion picture soundtrack.
But, in all seriousness, does Avatar really have to be the best movie? Invictus, I’m looking forward to. Acting actually DOES play a major part in movies belive it or not. But with all these distractions everywhere around the movie that are just way too offsetting, it’s almost disgusting that they can still pull off an oscar for an overused stryline, high-priced Special/sound FX, or (for the male demographic and part of the female) Megan Fox.