What’s so great about Facebook? Well, what’s not great about it? You can add hundreds of people you sorta-almost-kinda know and do tons of other time-consuming things on there! But before you do that, I’m here to give you a little advice about making the best Facebook profile ever… and how to become that person who makes your friends’ news feed way more interesting. You know, having the most “likes” on a picture or status, having the biggest friends list out of all your friends and so forth. Just follow these 10 simple steps, and you’re on your way to having a profile like Stan from South Park!
1. Find a “Like”-able Profile Picture
First thing’s first: you need a profile picture. Try a picture of you in front of a mirror, the the top of your head (so that we can see your lovely bangs) with your nose poking out, or even a picture that emphasizes your contact-lensed eyes. If not, then use a car, a cartoon character, or even something with a laughable/relate-able quote on it. But remember, Facebook needs way more camera-obsessed people!
2. Actually Make Your Profile Interesting
Update your personal information and tell everyone your story… about absolutely anything you can think of. Oh sure, you’ve heard of the band’s one song from the radio station, so instead of listening to the rest of their songs, you “like” their page. That’s the way to do it! Oh, and everyone needs to know what your political beliefs are! It’s just a small test Facebook is giving North Americans to see if any of us are commies. If your opinion somewhat clashes with democracy, then just hope that no one working for the uncorrupted government finds you.
3. “Like” any link or page
Find something funny and true that you have to announce it to the world? How about instead of updating your status about it (’cause you’d probably end up updating it ten times a day if you did that) you can “like” a link or page! What about those long phrases from those poorly designed websites where people have to click on it to read the full thing? Whether it’s some story about cute love, a “hey-that’s-true” thought about society or the “bad guys” in your life, or even something ‘deep’ and ‘meaningful’ about teen angst your life; everyone on your Friends list needs to know those things!
4. Increase your Friends List size
What happened to those days where a friend is considered to be someone you can trust, spend time with and actually see or talk to more than once in a blue moon? Well, Facebook has completely abolished that! With a click of a button, you can add your friend’s sister’s cousin’s friend because Facebook says that you have one mutual friend! How wonderful. Yes, if they’re in your grade and happen to have been in your class, then adding them as a friend (or accepting them as a friend) is the step toward being the king or queen of having the most friends. Wait, I mean strengthening your bonds.
5. Post Epic Links or Statuses
Having one of those angsty moments? Post away! Thought about something where everyone can agree on (aka, the Calgary Flames are failing or how Ms. So-and-so assigns too much homework) so that you can earn some ‘likes’ on those statuses? That’s a-okay too! And if you don’t want to seem like you live on Facebook by updating your statuses several times a day, why not update your profile with a link? About cats or some terrible artist (you’re just feeding their fame by the way), or even babies. People seem to “like” those!
6. “Like” and Comment On Anything and Everything
To have the best Facebook profile ever, you must appear on everyone’s news feed almost every day no matter what. Make a witty remark on someone’s status, or a valid start an argument with someone regarding their taste in… well, whatever you can think of. And if you don’t want to seem like that kind of person, then just click “like” on every single thing so that you can join the bandwagon of 10+ other people who agree with the original poster. Yes, even you can seem cool if you “like” the popular kid’s status about how cheese smells.
7. Take Pictures, Upload Them and Tag People
You’ve got to fill up your profiles with pictures of…yourself. But don’t forget about those other people on your Friends list, as they love seeing blurry pictures of themselves. It’s also a perfect moment to take a picture when someone’s in mid-sentence or yawning! And to be the person who is willing to upload pictures without looking them over (even though you have time to create a description and tag people) will gain you some respect within your Facebook friends group.
8. Answer Questions, Quizzes and Whatever
Spam, spam, spam. Everyone wants to know which character you’re most like from a TV show, or how you can count the number of votes and maintain a “balanced” line ratio in a poll! This newest addition to Facebook entertains the bored folks and of course, gets scrolled over by your friends while they’re looking at their news feed.
9. Play Games and Spent Hours On Them
So according to TheOatmeal (viewer discretion is advised), over 60 per cent of Facebook users play games… and the average social gamer is a 43-year-old woman. As if it wasn’t odd enough to see a parent texting their child! Imagine, instead of updating your photo albums, statuses and filling people’s news feed, you can spend your time on Facebook by tending a farm or building up a restaurant. I don’t get it! I went on FarmVille everyday for a week until I maximized my resources/coins that I could receive from friends (who actually purchases their coins?)… and felt unfulfilled. I don’t know, maybe my taste in unique and interesting games just doesn’t match the games that Zynga and Playfish create. However, these games are good at killing time despite the other things you can do on the computer that will require you to use more of your brain.
10. Spam Your Friends’ News Feeds
If you’ve repeated steps 1-9 daily for months on end, then you’ve accomplished this. Good job! You’re on your way to having the most annoying best Facebook profile ever. EVER!